Avoiding airlines for a while

We just got back from our Jamaican honeymoon vacation, and I have to say, I am glad to be back in St. Louis. We were gone for seven days (July 10-17) and during those seven days I definitely felt the pregnancy hormones going into overdrive and turning me into a huge bitch. Mostly, inside my head (like, the silent, but deadly bitchiness- no one knows you are pissed off at anything and everything but YOU KNOW.)

So let's just reflect on all of the things that I bottled up for most of the week, shall we?

For starters, airlines/airports piss me off. I have never liked them. I hate how big and confusing they are, and usually I get lost and panic every time I am in an airport. I hate having to show up two hours before a flight and then stand in a long line to check my bags, then another long line to got through security check, and I am sure that there are other long lines that I am forgetting about. I hate standing in lines. I hate that we had to be at the airport at 4 a.m. for a flight that left at 6 a.m. and there was no one at the baggage check counter when we got there. WHY WOULD YOU ADVISE TRAVELERS TO GET TO THE AIRLINE EARLY AND THEN NOT BE OPEN?

Well, we had to leave our house at 3 a.m. so I was already in super cranky bitch mode. I didn't have time to eat breakfast (which, for a pregnant woman, usually results in murderous rampage) so when we showed up to the airport we were expecting to eat breakfast there. What food establishments are open at the airport at 4 a.m.? NONE. I ended up going to a Starbucks and getting 2 parfaits, 2 orange juices, and 2 bananas for $20. Which brings me to my next point: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO RIDICULOUSLY OVERPRICED AT AIRPORTS? I wanted to buy a magazine and it was $7, even though the price on the front cover said $2.99. We bought two books at a bookstore in Houston when we discovered that we had a delay- I spent $50 on two books. FIFTY DOLLARS. TWO BOOKS. I could buy fifty books at Goodwill for that price, damnit.

But I digress. We get on the flight, and it only gets worse from there.

I am pregnant. Which results in my having to urinate every point-five seconds. I literally stared at the fasten seatbelt light until it shut off and then I immediately attempted to bolt from my seat to go to the bathroom. We were seated in the middle, so I could go forward to the restroom located right behind first class, or back to the back of the plane. I get off my seat belt, look to the back of the plane, discover that the restroom is in use, and decide to use the restroom located next to first class. After I crawl OVER Drew and the other person sitting next to us, the douchebag in front of us bolts out of his seat to use the restroom.

I am not a fan of lines in front of restrooms on airplanes. When you are on a flight for two or more hours, you should just sit in your seat until the restroom becomes available. There is no sense in blocking an aisle that is already very narrow. So douchebag is in the restroom, so I crawl back into my seat and wait silently for him to get out of the restroom. He finally emerges ten minutes later and as soon as I see the door open, I get out of my seat again for fear that some other douchebag is going to get to the restroom ahead of me. At this point, I am about to pee my pants.

I make my way down the aisle and realize that the man who has just exited to the restroom is a very large man and that the aisle will not fit both of us. I turn on my side and attempt to squeeze past him and he loudly exclaims "EXCUSE ME" as if I am being rude by attempting to squeeze past him to use the restroom. I ignore him and continue on my way to the restroom.

The restroom looked like he had unleashed a pack of rhinoceros's in there. There was water EVERYWHERE. After surveying the situation, and not being able to determine whether the water was indeed water or urine, I decided to wipe down everything before I sat my bare ass down on a toilet seat covered in questionable liquids. When I get out of the bathroom, I start back down the aisle, only to discover that the flight attendants have begun making their way down the aisle to hand out beverages. They, with their cart, are blocking the entire aisle and there is no way for me to get back to my seat. So I stand and wait patiently behind them. They see that I am standing in the aisle, waiting to get back to my seat, but they are like honey badgers: they do not care. They do not give a shit. At this point, they still have about ten rows to go before I am able to be seated. Rather than go up the aisle past my seat so I can have a seat, they just continue on their merry way, giving out drinks, while I stand there behind them, in the aisle, waiting to be seated. Fifteen minutes later, I am finally able to sit in my seat.

Nothing else eventful happened on the airline until the way back. We had a 3 p.m. flight from Montego Bay, which dropped us off in Dallas, and then we had a layover until 10:30 and would be back in St. Louis after midnight. Our resort had a check out time of noon, so we left the resort and noon and took a bus to the airport, which was five minutes from our resort. When we got to the Montego Bay airport, which is not as advanced as most airports, we had about two and a half hours to burn before our flight departed.

I decided to eat lunch before I got on the plane, so I got in line of one of the three restaurants that the airport had available to choose from: Wendy's, Dominoes, or Burger King. Did I mention that the airport was poorly air conditioned? There were probably about fifteen people ahead of me in line, which I didn't think would take that long. Did I mention that I hate lines? I hate when there is someone standing in front of you, and suddenly someone they know walks past, they start talking, and then the person just takes it upon themselves to allow that person to cut in line with them. This is precisely what the person ahead of me in line did: he allowed two other people to get in line with him and I felt my stabby stabby impulse start to rage. Sweating, dizzy, nauseous, hungry, standing in a line that is not moving, I finally decide to cut my losses after waiting in line for twenty minutes and walk back to our gate.

But not before stopping at a restroom. With a line out the door. Four stalls. Only two working. Some with no toilet paper. No soap at the sinks. I'm not even going to describe the horrible conditions of the TWO bathrooms that existed in the entire airport.

I get back to my gate, where Drew is sitting and he sees that I am empty handed. I tell him that I couldn't do it. He offers to go back and get me food, realizing that we won't touch down in Dallas until after 3 p.m. which is entirely too long for anyone, let alone a pregnant woman, to go without food. He comes back with a pepperoni pizza and I am instantly grateful for such a thoughtful and caring husband.

Back to the flight: I cannot TOLERATE when people recline their seats on flights. It drives me bat shit crazy. Do people not realize that when they recline their seat that it essentially plops their sit into the lap of the person sitting directly behind them, therefore violating their personal space? Airplanes are already cramped for space (see above: fight for space in the aisle with douchebag man who got into fights with rhinoceros's in the bathroom, and also fight for space in the aisle with completely oblivious flight attendants dispersing beverages). SO WHY, THE NAME OF ALL THINGS DECENT AND HOLY, WOULD YOU PUT YOUR DAMN SEAT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S LAP? The bitch in front of us reclined her seat directly into Drew's lap (*not even MY lap) and I was still livid. I instantly blurted out "Are you KIDDING me?" to which Drew thought it necessary to restrain me. Unfortunately, he did not have a straight jacket readily available. I do not know why this incident incited ME to violence, considering that it didn't actually affect me. Regardless, the woman didn't take the clue, and kept her seat reclined for the duration of the trip. BECAUSE her seat was reclined into Drew's lap, I was unable to get out of MY seat to go use the restroom. Did I mention that pregnancy makes you feel the urge to pee every point five seconds and that the flight from Montego Bay to Dallas was almost four hours long?

Two words: domestic violence.

We get to Dallas and discover that our flight is delayed. Not because of weather or anything else that is really uncontrollable. But because they had to wait on flight attendants for our flight, who were arriving from another flight THAT WAS ON TIME. That is right. Our flight was scheduled to depart at 10:20-10:30 and the flight that the flight attendants were coming in on didn't land until 10:45. Our plane was on time, sitting at the gate, but we were waiting on flight attendants. Whoever was in charge of scheduling flight attendants for our flight should have had more common sense to put flight attendants on our flight that could actually get on our flight before the scheduled departing time. I'm just saying. And of course, we were not allowed to board the flight until the flight attendants arrived, so we didn't even get into the air until 30-45 minutes AFTER our flight was supposed to depart.

Which brings me to my LAST pet peeve about airlines: people who get up and stand in the aisle immediately after the flight has landed and the fasten seat belt light has gone off. YOU ARE UNNECESSARILY CLOGGING THE AISLE. WE ARE IN ROW 30 AT THE BACK OF THE PLANE. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. What is the purpose of getting your luggage out of the overhead bins immediately after the flight has touched down? You are just going to be standing there waiting for rows 1-29 to leave. I think that this pet peeve stems from my claustrophobia. When people block the aisle like that, it makes me feel trapped and I start to hyperventilate. SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DECENT AND HOLY STAY IN YOUR SEAT UNTIL A REASONABLE TIME.

I think that I am going to have an entirely different entry for the things that pissed me off while we were in Jamaica. Look for installment dos in a future blog post.